I am a vocal person at home. But trying to remain silent over issues is really killing me. Especially when that person concerned really knows or is pretending not to know what he should do. I don’t know if they just do not know I am upset or they somehow intend or pretend. It’s really killing me inside. My chest has started manifesting pains I cannot explain and do not want to know why. But the causes are obvious and how do you deal with them when you are told by your hubby’s side that it’s my fault, it’s my shortcoming, I am the problem and not anybody else. Well it really pains me but what can I do. Like a martyr wife, swallow everything slowly until I surrender my breathe. I am willing to sacrifice for my baby’s life and future. But the question is until when and how will I keep on going? There is always a limit and I really do not until when I will survive. I am happy and I should be happy as what his mom said. I should feel lucky and I think I am. But the question is why does my heart ache silently painfully sometimes? Killing me softly with his song… I think that’s what it is. He told me not to publicize things so I would later silently grieve alone until I would forever be silent from this world. I do not pity myself. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be breathing anymore long ago. I intended this blog to be my voice in my new world where I am being questioned. But I am being silenced. I won’t complain if there is nothing to complain. But I have to accept and just swallow everything as if there is nothing I should be concerned of. As if my thoughts, feelings and opinions do not count. But that is not what I think it should be. How will you justify to a person who feels righteous? Who is in their own standards right and biblical. How will I defend myself and how will I protect CT’s best interest? Through being silenced to buy peace and make peace. My own family whom I fight against are actually the ones whom I can really count on now as they are the ones I can really count on to help me take care of CT. Other than them I have no comment. It’s really disappointing for people to be just around when they want to.
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